he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
