Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
