Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
