Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
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