People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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