My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize