You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
