so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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