Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
