Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
