do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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