i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize