Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(650): View more from California

Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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(516): View more from New York

What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?

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(703): View more from Virginia

She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels

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(07): View more from

My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.

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(951): View more from California

Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*

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