The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How external is "for external use only"?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
