today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
