The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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