no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I cannot find my penis.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
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I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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