My friends, they love my intelligence
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
