It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
