I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
