I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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