Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
