Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
