This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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