I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
