Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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