so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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