u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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