I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
