I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
