Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
