It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
