You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
