it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
