And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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