If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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