Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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