Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
worst night to have a conscience
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
