my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize