I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
