you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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