i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
