I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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