She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
