If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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