Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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