i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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