a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
