I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
