Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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