Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
