she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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