now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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