i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
