I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
