Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
