Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mom said you looked used
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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